Programmed for DANGER!

So here's a stupid book I picked up the other day. The inside cover states "An Avalon Career Romance." This is a series I'd definitely like to see more of. 

Happy Easter!

Look at these little weirdos frolic along the rolling hills of green! No fair! It's still freeeezing here in Michigan. Will spring ever come????

Them Damn Drug Dealers

From the Phoney Fresh VHS archives: A tour of the hood with Bull's Eye, some minors attempt an illegal purchase, a young girl struggles with flat chested-ness, and another totally kick ass bass solo. This ones for my man Pie Face, in lock down, big baller style.

BOOK FAIR: How to be Cool

MOVIE NITE: Tribulation

Wow! Look at that all-star cast! This is a relic from the Christian "End of the world" movie craze of the late 90's. There was a whole slew of these movies, with such A-list actors as Kirk Cameron, Mr. T and Corbin Bernson living in the days of the Antichrist. Busey is surprisingly tame in this flick, with exception of a couple burts of rage. Howie Mandel is a total loon though....and of course, Satan is a dude with a ponytail. Satan is always a dude with a ponytail!

Cowboy Auditions

More crap from the Phoney Fresh VHS archives. A touching moment with Garth, Gospel singing cowboys and dogs, Billy Ray marvels at the wonder of the "Achy Breaky", floppin boobies and power washers. Tell your Aunt Louise, tell anyone you please.

 

(Enjoy it while it lasts, Youtube has already disabled some of my vids!)

Carrot Top's Junk In the Trunk

I was pretty excited to find this forgotten document of "dork humor" peering at me from the Salvation Army shelves the other day. Like Gallagher before him, Carrot top was a master prop comic. He's also the epitome of over the top pseudo-hippie 90's style. It's a shame that he has transformed into a nightmarish, plastic-surgery-gone-wrong, muscle bound 'roid freak. A damn shame. The book itself is full of zany pics of Carrot Top demonstrating his goofy gadgets, many of which reference insanely outdated pop culture icons. I still can't believe the original cover price on this of  $15.00! Sheeesh!

Hot Stuff

Here's some junk I pulled from deep within the Phoney Fresh VHS archives. Yanni, Richard Simmons, Turkey calls, Game Boy hints, Soul food and more....

FOUND: Alien Gangbang

I thought the Aliens were supposed to probe us?! I found this sitting by a pile of trash on the side of the street a few years back. I actually went to high school with these guys in the late 90's, but I won't name names. Somehow the photo wound up in a different town all together too. A glob of muck has shielded the identity of one of the rapists, luckily for him!

MOVIE NITE: Hands of Steel

Virtual VHS

I have always been fascinated by these weird "virtual" VHS tapes thet allow you to be transported into another world or even bring things like fish tanks and fireplaces right into your living room through the modern miracle of the VCR. Though they are dreadfully boring to watch (uh I guess maybe they weren't meant to be watched for entertainment, heh), they are a cool concept that didn't really carry over to the DVD age.

Yikes, look how fat those cats are getting sitting there watching TV all day! i saw one of these tapes for dogs once that had footage of food, fire hydrants and mail men. I kick myself for not buying it!

She's thinking "Dammit, I forgot to hit play! Now I gotta get up, walk back over there...."

 

This pamphlet came in the Video Fireplace box. As if you probably didn't shell out enough bread for this tape, they want you to buy wood scented incense for "added dimension". I do wanna check out the Video Kaleidoscope though!

Girls with Auto Parts.....and guns!

From various issues of Hot Rod and Truckin' magazines.

 

Hey, nice gun!

She's packin' six shooters!

I think this chick with a harpoon gun wins....

Here's a zoom up in case you need a new desktop background or something....

This Week In Finds: Week #1

If you can't already tell, I'm an avid collector of  other people's trash. Be it cool old kitschy stuff or literal trash, I love it! I frequent many a thrift store, junk hole, garbage sale, estate sale and dumpster during any given week. Starvation Army, Badwill, Volunqueers of America, you know the places. Soooo, I guess I might keep ya updated on my weekly finds, interesting or otherwise!

I dunno who this dapper dude is, but I like him. I actually had to think about whether he was in fact cool enough to snag or not, but I'm glad I did! He's a bank too.

That irreverence, that wit. I'd recognize it anywhere. It's a Ziggy!

My new favorite mug. Imagine drinking ice cold root brewski outta this baby!

A Tasco periscope. I can't figure out if this is old or not, I'm getting conflicting facts from Ebay. Anywho, I guess it's pretty cool for 86 cents. This will come in handy in the middle of a snowball battle, peering from behind my snow fortress wall.

This cassette contains Christmas music from the future.

Easyrider's Video Magazine. Video magazines must have been pretty popular in the late 80's-early 90's, as I've seen many of them on various subjects. This was the most entertaining video I've seen in a long time (that is, when the tracking started working!). Ugly biker chicks flashing their saggy boobs, a scary-ass biker comedian, Skanky bar chicks dumping beer all over their bodies, crazy dudes jamming bikes through the mud, tanks and flame-throwing robots....Oh and let's not forget the "Biker Home Videos".

Yes, that's Al from "Home Improvement" and Dave Thomas of "Bob and Doug McKenzie" fame. This is one of those super cheesy Feature Films for Families tapes. I can pretty much guess the plot from the cover art, and I'm pretty sure little else happens. I haven't watched this one yet, not cuz I'm afraid it will suck, but cuz I'm afraid I'll like it.

Detail of the cover art: Notice the "Scan-A-Scam" scanner and the gloriously ancient computer.

FOUND: Computer Fun!

For a couple years now, I've been collecting what are called "found" items. Things like photos, notes, grocery lists etc. that are found on the street, at thrift stores, in the trash and other places normal people avoid. I'm gonna start sharing these beauties here for you all to enjoy!

Here's my most recent find, a photo I call "Computer Fun". Judging by the boxiness of the computer, the floppy disks on the desk and the clothes on these kids this is most likely late 80's to early 90's. I wonder what they're playing? Mom wonders too. "My turn! My turn!"

The Awful World of Glamour Portraits

Yes for a small fee of only $19.95 you too can have your own deluxe 8x10 glamor portrait! Of course the entire package of various 8x10's, 5x7's and wallet sizes will cost you a couple hundred bucks. But it's worth it! Just look how glamorous you too can look! My mom actually did one of these one time with a friend of hers. It was a special promo they'd seen on a flyer. The fly-by-night portrait studio just so happened to be in a motel room. The make-up artist was a chain smoking rough edged lady who claimed to be a make up artist for Las Vegas show girls. They teased my moms hair up into this foot tall frizz bomb, caked on the make up, and covered her in a lovely garland of brightly colored feathers. They did the same to my mom's friend who, when she went home was applauded by her husband as looking "more beautiful than ever" and they went straight out for dinner. They also bought the entire photo package. I wish I had my mom's photo to share, but I don't think she'd like that.

I actually know this lady (above), I just happened to find her pic on Google.

This girl (above) went to my high school and this is her Senior photo as it appeared in my yearbook.

Oh yes, don't forget about the strange world of dog glamor photography......

America's Ultimate V

I found this rediculous keychain at a sale we have at a church here called "Sharing Corner" where everything is free. It makes me wonder who these guys are: a motorcycle gang? a group of specially trained fighters? a team of weight lifters? a lame rock band? evangelists targeted to a teen audience? models? sports stars? male dancers? Ummmm, yeah. That's probably it. Male dancers for sure.

My favorites are the guy with the 'stache (you can tell he thinks he's the coolest) and the hair metal lookin' guy (why are his hands out of the picture? what is he doing!). God this is awful! Could they're jeans be any more stone washed than this? NO! HAHAHAHA!

The back of this pic was signed by the "team" too. A fun game is trying to match the signature to the right guy.

Dont give up!

Another book from Goodwill.....



Losing at the "Love Game"?
Don't think you'll
ever find "The One"?
Then you need to read this!














And in case you do succeed, turn over to the back cover for this ad....




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